Living with Depression and How it Affects You

Well...

I have some secrets, some dark places inside me which I don’t share with anybody; so never in my wildest dreams I thought that I’ll be writing this post. But this is such a serious topic and I hope through this post I can help whoever is in need of it.

I know through this post I’ll be judged, will be laughed at. But that’s human’s nature and I understand it. Now, I have an overwhelming sense that I survived for a reason and I try to enjoy every moment of my life. I want to tell my story to help people, so no one else feels like doing what I did. I want to help the people left behind, so they don't feel responsible for their loved one's death. I want to speak for those who committed suicide and let people know how much pain they were in. The pain and the disease are to be blamed, not them.

To a lot of people, depression means being sad and crying. Well, it does involve both sadness and tears, but it is also a lot more than these. Crying, maybe, is just a reaction/ a means to cope with to the depression just as a few others like excessive smoking/alcoholism/contraband etc.

Depression is like a ticking time bomb, that can sneak up at anytime and on anyone.
A big part of my teenage days were ruled and ruined by depression. I was in a persistently anxious, sad and ‘empty’ mood and I didn’t have any clue why. Faking my own personality became like a regular thing; I was all bubbly, happy and energetic when surrounded by people and the moment I was alone, my mood fell. It was like I was wearing a mask to not let people know what I am going through. Sometimes, I suddenly felt a dark cloud moving in and enveloping me; it was the darkest place I had ever been, and saw no way out.

Fatigue and Exhaustion:-

Well, we all feel exhausted and ‘fatigued’ at some point or the other. Even I felt so. But the level of exhaustion I felt then is indescribable. Getting out of bed felt like a task (it still does :P ). It was like someone had tied me to the bed, I tried to move, but couldn’t. My days felt exhausted; as if I got only an hour of sleep at night, whereas I slept a good 10 hours. While some days, I wanted to sleep, but all I could do was toss and turn all night long. Everything seemed so confusing! Focusing on work went on a toss; I felt tired 24*7. It was physically and mentally impossible for me to do anything.

Dreams:-
I guess you already have seen in movies or read somewhere about how dreams are associated with depression. I had so many stories in my dreams that if I start writing I can give any writer a run for money. I have always been a ‘dreamy’ person; I have really interesting dream stories. However, the dreams I saw, repeatedly, during ‘that’ phase are totally different. Like running away to the dark woods, stuck in a lift, somebody chasing me while I am running madly in the dark, falling off from somewhere to nowhere, screaming inside a crashing plane where I am the only passenger and with no pilot, drowning in my bath tub, sinking in a pool of blood, running away from my own self and the moment when finally Madhubani kills Madhubani. Dreams haunted me and were one of the main reasons why I finally dragged myself to a psychiatrist. I became so scared and didn’t want to sleep.

Brain slowed down:-

It took me forever to complete simplest of works. I was stuck, stuck at nowhere, yet somewhere. The whole world seemed to move so fast around me. So much was coming to me and I couldn’t reciprocate. I felt stuck, I felt numb; difficult to move myself and make my brain work. I stared at blank answer paper and didn’t know what to write and how to write. I couldn’t remember a single word. My grades were falling and that threw me deeper into depression. Decision making was simply out of question. I couldn’t even decide if I needed a shower or not. :P

Eating Disorder:-
I lost my appetite completely, not that I was insecure of being on the heavier side and wanted to lose my tires. This started bothering my parents; I was scared giving any clues to anyone that I was in crisis. I started panicking that my family and my friends might think that I have gone mad.

The Devil me/ suicidal thinking:-
Well, this is crazy and weird too. The devil side of me became in-charge of my mind and body. I acted like a totally different person; I failed to recognize myself. I felt detached from my entire being. When alone at home, I thought of ways to hurt myself. The demon inside me cursed me and told me (kind of provoked me) to kill myself. I started to hope and pray for a fatal disease or accident that would take me soon. When in front of people, all I could do was have a fake smile on my face to cover up the fact that I wanted to jump off the roof. There was a feeling of hopelessness and negativity everywhere. And maybe that’s why I didn’t think twice before popping up all the pills at once.

*********************************************************************

From a depressed teenager to a happy, content woman today; I had been through rough, challenging times; broke down, but learned to rise. Depression is not a sign of weakness. You have to be self-aware and understand how to treat it. Trust me, no one knows you better than you yourself. Remember, it is not easy, but also remember that you are not alone. Moods fluctuate and everyone faces highs and lows in their lives.
It's time to shake those blues off. I mean those blues that hurt you every day in the pit of your soul. Let's break the chains that bind us! Life is so beautiful people; there is no place of depression in it....